Funny Church Bulletins

The following are the announcements that actually appeared in various church bulletins around the world.

1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor."

9. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

17. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

18. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

19. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

20. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

21. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

22. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

24. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

25. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

26. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

27. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

28. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

29. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

30. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

31. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

32. Evening massage - 6 p.m.

33. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

34. Ushers will eat latecomers.

35. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

36. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

37. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

38. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

39. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

40. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

41. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

42. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

43. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

44. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

45. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"

Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett

Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

46. (During the minister's illness) GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.

47. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

48. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

50. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

51. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

52. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

53. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

54. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

55. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

56. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

57. The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

58. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

59. Youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

60. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

61. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

62. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

63. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

64. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir

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You Never Hear in Church

1. Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.

3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so she/he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

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The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate..

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she..'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill..

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

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FARM KID in Marines

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice